Dr. Craig Mobey
We have a problem.
“How are you” and “fine thanks and you” has become our standard greeting no matter the occasion: weddings, family gatherings, funerals, or bumping into each other at the shops.
It is a terrific way to break the otherwise awkward silence that might otherwise result.
So, what would be worse?
- Bumping into someone familiar and staying quiet.
- Asking someone “how are you” hoping they don’t tell you.
- Answering “fine thanks” when things are not “fine.”
I think it wise to clarify our motive for asking “how are you?” If it’s anything other than “really, how are you?” Rather not ask, and instead say something like “good morning.” And if you do ask, ask with your “listening ears” on.
“Listening ears” are used by empathy because they engage your other senses as well as your mind with a view to understanding. In short, listening is active (skill): attentive. Hearing is passive (ability): it’s just noise.
But what about the reply, “fine thanks?” On the one hand, “fine thanks” can also mean, “really, all is fine thanks.” On the other hand, “fine thanks” is a safe reply:
- It is a conflict-avoiding reply that points toward cooperation, cheerfulness, non-complaining and in a sense, dependability.
- It is a problem avoiding reply that masks negative emotions and struggles.
- It is pain avoiding reply that shields the true stance of matters.
- It is a capability avoiding reply to cover “I don’t know what I feel or should feel.”
Sad to say, “fine thanks” can also mean, I don’t necessarily trust you enough with the details of my life. At this point, we remind ourselves that a place of trust is earned.
And trust is best earned/regained through effort, specifically: Christian love in action (c.f. Mark 12:28-34), forgiveness and restoration, honesty, authenticity, care, and, of course, time.
You are welcome to inbox me if I can help.
Craig