Craig Mobey (D.Min.; M.Th. Religious Specialist in Christian Pastoral Counselling. craigmobey@gmail.com)
and
Kay Brugge (D.Phil.; M.A.; BA (Hons). Th. Specialist Counsellor. drkaybrugge@gmail.com)
What do these have in common, or what do they remind you of?
- Acting before thinking/mouthing off.
- Failing to anticipate the consequences of their actions.
- Struggling to flexibly manage impulses.
- Struggling to stop a behaviour once it’s in action.
- Blaming extraneous circumstances and people for their problems.
- Seeming to lack empathy and appearing excessively self-centred and self-absorbed, even evasive.
- Challenging and clashing with authority figures.
- Exhibiting rebellious and pleasure-seeking behaviour.
- Being oversensitive to criticism.
Does the word “teenager” come to mind? And if you think it’s just a “phase,” then you are correct. But what is actually going on?
Teenagers face a formidable challenge: they need to answer that critical question, “Who am I?” To answer this, they must integrate many potentially conflicting and confusing elements around values, capabilities, friendships, gender, others’ opinions, conformity, career choices etc. If this process goes well, the adolescent might emerge with a stable sense of identity as well as values that coherently gel with their actions, thus creating inner harmony. If this process does not go well as hoped for, then they might emerge without a compelling sense of purpose, focus and meaning and they might seem like a rudderless boat. They might not decide who they are, and simply yield to the wishes or commands of authority figures, adopt their identity, and exist in a state of continuous inner and external conflict.
Let’s dig deeper. Highly developed frontal lobes – is what distinguishes humans from animals and are responsible for higher cognitive functions such as forward planning, thinking and decision making, social behaviour, impulse control, conscious feelings, self-awareness and being aware of our own thoughts (and being aware of being aware of our own thoughts). As we know, adolescents can be painfully self-aware, often make questionable decisions and behave impulsively, irresponsibly, and seemingly irrationally.
It turns out that the re-modelling that’s going on inside their heads causes much of this. Professor Janice Juraska and her colleagues from the University of Illinois discovered that neurons in the pre-frontal cortex are actually dying during adolescence. Due to these significant developmental changes (some can continue after puberty and into the 20s), the adolescent’s experiences are intensified. Therefore, they respond more acutely to drugs (including nicotine) and other rewards. They’re also on the hunt for new and fresh experiences, including those of a romantic/sexual nature. This is because the parts of the brain that are involved in dealing with rewards are still maturing.
Adolescence is a swarm of sex hormones, stress hormones and growth hormones, all of which impact other neurotransmitters moderating moods. With adolescent males, for example, testosterone increases dramatically which influences aggressive and sexual impulses. All these changes affect behaviour. The child you knew for 12 or so years suddenly starts to act differently, perhaps even out of character. The “Keep Out” sign on the door says it all as adolescents seek a sense of autonomy, identity, and self-esteem. You may also witness a new style of dress or posters of their idols.
This is all part of answering the question, “Who am I?”
Ephesians 6:4 comes to mind, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
On the one hand, it can be argued that the task of parenting has no expiry date. On the other hand, teenagers have just one opportunity to go through adolescence. Parents, being powerful influencers, Godly leaders, and mentors, are not therefore just observers but participants in their children’s adolescence. As mentioned, influencing progression through adolescence are numerous “investors” among which are parents, friends, the media, teachers and so forth. Having said this, we must appreciate that parents are the primary “investors” charged with the Godly responsibility to raise children. However, it also takes a “church” to raise them. The Apostle Paul instructed the young pastor, Titus, 4 as follows, “These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children” (Titus 2:4).
Would it be fair to say that in terms of this investment, the probability of success is proportional to the level, type, appropriateness, and quality of parental discipline? “Discipline?” “Yes, discipline.”
It is our experience that it is sometimes necessary to reframe what is meant by “discipline.” Discipline and disciple share the same root word. Therefore, to discipline someone means to make a disciple of him. If God’s discipline is designed to conform all believers to the image of Christ, then the same becomes the disciplinary goal of parenting.
At the end of the day, adolescence is the continuance of a life process, spiritual maturation, formation of identity and psychological maturity. And much of it hinges on discipling as a discipline of parenting: parents should be loving, slow to anger, gracious and merciful (Psalm 145:8). Be patient as God is patient with His children (Psalm 86:15). Be willing to forgive (Daniel 9:9). Apply wisdom together with loving discipline (Hebrews 12:6-11). Teach them truths from the Word (John 17:17 and Psalm 119:97). The goal is to steer adolescents toward the Bible and prayer rather than smartphones as a port of call, the rock that is higher than they; a refuge and a strong tower against the foe should their heart grow faint (from Psalm 62:2-3 – NIV). May this, then, become their lifelong pattern.
We know that the brain is remarkably responsive to, and changed by, its interactions with the environment and notably where we place our attention. This is, as Drs Jeffrey Schwartz and Rebecca Gladding explain in their book, “You are not your brain” is neuroplasticity – from the Greek word, plastikos, which means “moulded or formed.” Using the power of focused attention to help direct your teenager’s choices and actions can have a remarkable effect on behaviour. However, if left to its own devices, neuroplasticity can be a hindrance, resulting in their acting in less beneficial or optimal ways.
This is where parents, church leaders, and schoolteachers can make the greatest contribution. Here are a few tips that will help with discipling:
- Create a warm, caring, and non-judgmental environment to encourage your adolescent to share their thoughts and feelings. Ask the question, “How does that make you feel?” Adolescence can be bewildering, and a lonely experience and an adolescent’s words can be hurtful simply because they struggle to make sense of their feelings. Remember, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8- NIV).
- Help them become more Christ-like through a steady journey toward spiritual maturation, always tempering and helping them recalibrate their expecting this to happen overnight. “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God; for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died [a]in vain” (Galatians 2: 20-21- ESV). This is to establish in them a spiritual centre – the indwelling Holy Spirit – fostering an enduring and transcendent sense of self-esteem unlike that derived from the whims of conditional peer-group approval. “For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10 – KJV). The angst-filled and bewildering “Who am I” gives way to a comforting “I am in Christ.”
- If you notice something remarkable and new in their thoughts, choices, and actions, help them notice it too and then amplify it. The book of Proverbs is very practical and contains advice for guardians and young people alike. Proverbs 22:6 (KJV) is instructive because it recognizes the importance of moulding something that is sustainable into the distant future. “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” It indirectly highlights the importance of helping to shape the brain’s frontal cortex or executive centre, which is involved in organization, long-term planning, strategy, and error detection.
- If you suspect that your child may be depressed or suicidal, simply ask them. They might be relieved to be able to share. Make sure you don’t “freak out” and get professional support for both of you. Empower yourself with information to recognize the signs.
- Remember to be a “Do as I do” rather than “Do as I say” parent, “…set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12 – ESV).
- Encourage your adolescent to make decisions, though you might not always like their choices. Let them learn from the feedback of their decisions and your guidance, rather than to mollycoddle. “What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:9 (ESV); and “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own” (Philippians 3:12).
- Tone down the urge to be critical, judgmental, angry, and impatient. The Apostle Paul, writing to the young pastor Titus, states, “For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another” (Titus 3:3 – ESV).
- The more you push, the more an adolescent is likely to push back. Leaders don’t push. Rather adopt a nurturing stance while setting healthy boundaries, giving feedback, structure, and encouragement. Use this stance as a channel of discipling.
“Fitting in” is a conundrum. As much as humans are unique, we at the same time, want to fit in. And in the world of an adolescent, “fitting in” is intensified. But “fitting in” has an evil twin: rejection, and it is natural to want to reduce the associated pain and effects hereof. Rejection is among the deepest wounds. In this light, resisting peer pressure is a particular challenge for teens and a constant source of worry for parents: acceptance is an important source of validation and self-esteem, even if it means engaging in risky behaviours.
While being mindful of the fact that Christ, on the cross, faced the ultimate rejection (Matthew 27:46), it is impossible to go through one’s whole life without experiencing rejection at some point. As we ponder over these things, Luke 2:52 comes to mind, “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.” Conformity to the image of Christ is always a possibility, even during adolescence. Christ did not compromise in favour of temporary popularity. He did not shy away from hard truths. He did the right thing and the right time to the glory of God. It is therefore prudent to disciple our children as early as possible.
Perhaps the most critical task of parenting is to assure the adolescent that acceptance (spiritually) is not based on anything he/she can do, but on what Christ has already done. This task is called evangelism.
Let us know if we can help,
Craig & Kay